I have a very rowdy and defiant 17 month old. It seems she doesn’t understand the word NO. I also have a 4 week old. I used to be able to give my daughter time out when she misbehaved. But since the new baby came, I don’t know how to punish her. She’ll be bad when I am busy with the baby. I will scold her as I can’t put her in time out right away.
She’s not old enough to understand discipline if it happens several minutes after the fact. And if I tell her NO at the time she is misbehaving, she will keep doing the bad thing.
I don’t know what to do. I’m getting really upset with her. I know it’s mostly for attention, and we give her tons. But when I am busy nursing the baby or something, I just can’t give her 100% attention.
#1 by hobbesjohnson on January 8th, 2011
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This kind of behavior is normal for your toddler…she knows your attention is divided all of a sudden and she’s acting out to get attention back on herself. The best thing you can do–rather than find new and interesting ways to punish–is to set a routine of totally focusing on your toddler for periods of time during the day. I know this is hard with a baby, because the body wants to rest when the baby is resting, but this will get easier as the baby gets older and older, and you are more recovered from pregnancy. If your toddler sees that she has your full and positive attention for extended periods of time, she’ll have less need for the negative attention she’s getting now.
#2 by annabanana on January 8th, 2011
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she may be jealous of the new baby, so she is trying to get your attention.
try making some time for just you and her, alone. no new baby.
or get her involved with the baby. example “could you please go get a diaper and bring it to mommy?”
#3 by nan0272002 on January 8th, 2011
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i think u r doing a fine job. U r right, u can’t discipline a toddler later. They won’t understand. Just keep doing the best u can and take lots of deep breaths lol. I don’t believe there is much more u can do.
#4 by luisa_mapacha on January 8th, 2011
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Ignore her. When she’s doing something wrong just to get your attention (and as long as she can’t get hurt) just ignore her. She’ll see that it won’t bring attention and she won’t want to do it anymore.
Remember to give her lots of praise when she’s being good.
#5 by Jane T on January 8th, 2011
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When you are about to nurse the baby have a book or other diversion for her and ask her to come sit with you as you want to be close to her. try to make it a special time for her by talking to her and giving her attention while you are nursing. Being a mom of little kids is the hadest job in the world-hang in there.
#6 by Linda D on January 8th, 2011
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Do NOT use time outs – they do NOT work!
She is competing for attention – so let her help you with the new one. She will be thrilled and feel like she’s part of the family instead of being ignored and feeling like an outcast.
It works because this is what I had to do with my 3.
#7 by WI MOM on January 8th, 2011
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17 month olds like to push their limits. Ease up on her. She’s adjusting to a new sibling. Recognize the good things she is doing and stop dwelling on the “rowdy and defiant”.
It isn’t good for anyone for you to get really upset with her. She is still a child. Make sure you have lots of safe activities for her to do while you are busy with baby.
#8 by techtipper on January 8th, 2011
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hello, right now, she’s probably jealous. she wants more attention from you, w/ the new baby around.
but in any case, there is no excuse for bad behavior, and you have to nip it at the bud.
I think you have to stop what you’re doing and put her in time-out. she should be told not to move, and from my exp, children stay in the corner during time outs.
at the same time, try to reward her when possible when she is in good behavior, and spend time quality time w/ her when the baby is sleeping. read her a book, let her know you have not forgotten her.
#9 by moreinfo.org on January 8th, 2011
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Try making the child think she is helping you with the baby, then she will think she is getting the same admount of attention as the four week old.
#10 by Katie C on January 8th, 2011
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First of all, the reason she is acting up is because you can’t get to her right away.
She is having some adjustment problems with the new baby, every toddler does.
Just be consistent. And no, you can’t punish her later, she is too young. You must find a way to get through to her without getting up (or raising your voice etc.)
Try having some stickers on hand for when she does listen. Or occupying her time when you have you hands full better.
Good luck.
#11 by ESweetPea on January 8th, 2011
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Sooo, lemme get this straight. The 17-month old waits until you’re busy with the baby to do something bad, but she doesn’t understand discipline if it doesn’t happen immediately?
I think she has a pretty good grasp of time. In fact, she’s using it against you, don’t you think?
Get a “naughty chair” or naughty play pen or naughty bathtub…somewhere where she can chill out even while you’re busy. That’s what they do on Supernanny.
And as far as not understanding discipline after a few minutes…uh…I think she’s playing you. So, OK, put her in the corner facing the wall. Same room, still in time out. Give her plenty of good attention but a negative consequence when she acts up. All attention is not good. I mean, you can’t do really sophisticated punishment, but NO, Go sit in the corner…something oughta click.
If she’s old enough to have a problem, she should be old enough to understand consequences.
#12 by elaeblue on January 8th, 2011
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This is a problem many Mom’s have. I guess I would guage by how bad the older one is being. If its really something bad-not just naughty then put the baby down a few times and deal with her. Then she wont know if you will or wont and will listen better when you say No. It might upset the baby a little but not as much as you might think.
#13 by Act D on January 8th, 2011
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as difficult as it may be, i would create a space that is just for your 17 mo old when you are busy w/the infant. someplace safe where she cannot break anything or hurt herself.
when you are nursing if she misbehaves, she gets one warning (and here i would use a visual as well as a verbal warning – something like a red flag that you could just hold up when you say no) the second time she misbehaves in the same time period, stop what you are doing (and believe me, i know what kind of inconvenience and difficulty stopping nursing an infant can cause!) and take her to the safe place you created and leave her there with the last words you say to her being something like “you didn’t listen, i will be back soon. i love you”. as soon as your infant’s needs are met, take the 17 mo old out of the safe place and do something with just her for 3-5 minutes, then do something with her and the infanct for another 2-4 minutes. build a bond between yourself and them and between both of them at the same time. when you are busy w/the infant and your 17 mo old behaves, be sure to recognize it and praise her. if you can, give her tasks to do to ‘help’ you w/the infant…folding burp cloths, getting wipes out, choosing a book to be read to both her and the infant while you nurse, checking for x, y or z, etc. be creative. they don’t have to be any tasks you really need or even want done but they should be things she can do without your help that seem like they are benefitting you &/or the infant.
you can do the above anytime, not just when busy w/the infant. it will teach your 17 mo old a few things – 1. that you will stop what you are doing to discipline her, 2. that she is not in control, you are, 3. that you do love her and that this infant is here to stay.
it is perfectly normal for a toddler to act out when an infant seems to be getting attention and the toddler thinks she isn’t. you need to take control and in a compassionate, loving way provide structure and discipline.
#14 by bzzbzzwhisper on January 8th, 2011
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Oh, boy, do you have your hands full!
Your toddler is most likely misbehaving to get your attention, and dealing with jealousy issues. Since you know that she will probably demand your attention when you won’t be able to focus on her, try a little sideways thinking.
BEFORE you nurse the baby, offer your precious favorite big girl a glass of water… ask her if she would please draw you a very special picture to put on the fridge… would she please make mommy a fancy Mr. potato head? Keep her busy with a project that will keep your hands free; all you will need to do is affirm her creative genius.
During quiet times, she may like to “read” books that are accompanied with story tapes.
Luckily for you, the weather is beautiful right now; put the baby in a sling or front carrier and walk to the park. While your precious favorite big girl plays, give her lots of encouragement… “WOW! You are SO BIG! Mommy is SO PROUD of her BIG GIRL!”
A little “early childhood manipulation” goes a long way!
#15 by Mom on January 8th, 2011
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Been there… I had a 2 year old and a 13 month old when I had my newborn. When I was feeding the baby, that was prime time for them to act out! When I was feeding the baby, that was really the only activity I couldn’t really stop to discipline. So when I was ready to feed the baby, I made sure I got my toddlers occupied with something. I’d either pop in a favorite video, or set them up on either side of me and read them a book, something to that effect.
Other than that, don’t stress too much about missing a chance to discipline her… its a normal stage, she is acting up to get attention when you’re occupied with the baby, and as soon as both your daughter and the baby are older, the behavior will get better. Good luck, its hard work!!!