Discipline

5 Comments

• #1 by E. Bukowsky on June 19th, 2010

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  “ScreamFree Parenting,” by Hal Runkel, is an excellent parenting guide that will help moms and dads everywhere to keep (or regain) their sanity. Runkel is a licensed family and marriage therapist and one of the founders of ScreamFree Living, Inc. The book’s thesis is that parents cannot keep tabs on their kids 24/7, nor can they force their children to consistently behave in a certain way. Therefore, mothers and fathers would be better off learning to focus on how they react to their children’s words and actions.

  Parents, Runkel contends, should take stock of themselves. Are they in control of their behavior when they interact with their children? Or are they at the mercy of their “emotional reactivity”–their unthinking, knee-jerk reactions? If the latter is true, it is likely that parent-child interactions will be tense, angry, and unproductive.

  All of us who have struggled with parental responsibilities instinctively realize that a calm and reasoned approach is far more effective than a hysterical and dictatorial one. However, because of fatigue, ignorance, or inertia, many of us instinctively lash out, saying things that we don’t really mean when our kids push our buttons. What to do?

  Runkel does not advocate a permissive parenting style. Rather, the author recommends what he calls “judo parenting.” Judo is “the art of going with another’s momentum.” A ScreamFree parent facilitates rather than dictates; he encourages his children to use their own resources to solve problems. By helping kids to get in the habit of making their own decisions and living with the consequences, parents will be more likely to launch “self-directed” adults.

  Runkel’s writing style is clear, concise, humorous, and to-the-point. The book is conveniently divided into easy-to-read sections and the chapters all conclude with thought-provoking “reflection questions.” The author provides many practical examples to demonstrate how his principles work in the real world. Runkel’s amusing quotations from a wide variety of sources add liveliness to his message. In additon, there are lengthier anecdotes that are taken from Runkel’s experiences as a family therapist. Most parents will pick up many useful tips from “ScreamFree Parenting.” It is an entertaining, intelligent, and practical approach to raising our kids without losing our minds.
  Rating: 5 / 5

• #2 by Meryl K. Evans on June 19th, 2010

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  I’ve been trying to cut down on yelling and work through problems by staying calm, which is the approach Runkel, a licensed family and marriage therapist, advocates. The book is an easy read and doesn’t overwhelm the parent with too many steps as self-help books often do.

  The clear, direct, and humorous writing style allows parents with hectic lives to quickly read the book, absorb its concepts, and put them to use. Each chapter ends with reflection questions to reinforce the themes from the chapter. The book continues its effectiveness whether or not the reader answers the questions. However, thinking about the questions might shed light on you, your kids, and your relationships.

  The concept of parents not letting their emotions guide their response to a child’s troubles is not new, but Runkel shares stories, experiences, and explanations on how to do it. Sure, junior spilling juice all over the carpet can make any parent mad, but dealing with the situation while maintaining control has better results than a scream fest, spanking, or arguing.

  Though the book focuses on parenting, its concepts largely address ourselves as individuals. For we have to take care of us first before others. Instead of permissive or dictatorship parenting, Runkel encourages judo parenting, which is “the art of going with another’s momentum.” He shows how to do this by providing the answers to the questions all parents get like “I’m bored,” “Are we there yet?” and “I hate you!”

  Two nitpicks. First, there are a few religious references. I wish this had been omitted because religion is a hot issue and the book’s concepts fly well without the religious quotes or references. Using these unnecessarily limits the book’s reach as people who skim the book might get the impression it’s only for Christian parents. It’s not.

  The second is not an issue, but rather a want for more examples of using the ScreamFree approach. The stories in the book explain the concept very well and having more would enhance the book’s usefulness.

  When I told my oldest about the book, she said parents who yell are teaching their kids to yell when they become adults. Deep and accurate insight, as we’ve seen many children grow up to pick up their parents’ bad habits. Overwhelmed parents can begin with one step by picking one situation that pushes their buttons and applying the ScreamFree approach until they get the hang of it. Runkel doesn’t pressure the reader and the concepts are doable.
  Rating: 4 / 5

• #3 by Cheryl on June 19th, 2010

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  I wish this book was out five years ago when my daughter was born. This book has been such a Godsend to me – a real eye opener. Of the hundreds of books I have read on parenting – this is the only one that actually deals with being a parent and not about molding/training your child. I also bought his class on cd and it has changed the relationship I have with my children. I can’t recommend it enough.
  Rating: 5 / 5

• #4 by Professor Donald Mitchell on June 19th, 2010

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  When our youngest child went off to college, the school’s president told us that many parents cannot let go. They call before, during and after every class. They help out with homework over the Internet. They want to hear about every stumble and bruise. The parents act like they are students in terms of how often they contact advisors and administrators on their children’s behalf.

  You can imagine what these kids are going to be like when their parents are ill or die. They’ll feel like the world has ended. Is that any way to be a parent? I don’t think so.

  I like having children who become responsible, effective adults. I have four of them, and I’m happy with how it all turned out.

  At the opposite end, you see parents going nuts because their two-year-old drops a spoon on the floor in a restaurant . . . again . . . and again . . . and again. We’ve all been there. We’ve all wanted to go nuts. But it’s not good for anyone if you do.

  ScreamFree Parenting gives you solid, realistic advice for how to handle those years from 2-18 so that your children end up the way you would like them to be . . . as themselves in a responsible life. . . and not as robots ordered around by you.

  Hal Runkel does a good job of explaining how setting limits, letting children make mistakes and learn, and being calm make for a wonderful difference. I was reminded of the importance of calm last week when our local high school put on a one act play written by the students that described a 9 year-old girl being driven crazy by her parents’ fights. Calm is good for children. They will eventually learn calmness from you . . . if you are a good role model.

  So start to help your kids . . . by working on you!

  I wish I had read this book when I was a new father. It would have saved lots of anxiety for everyone.

  Nice going, Mr. Runkel
  Rating: 5 / 5

• #5 by Tim Jones on June 19th, 2010

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  OK, I bought and read ScreamFree Parenting and have to say I was unimpressed. He really does not give you any “action oriented” parenting advice and I could probably boil the book down to a few bullet points:

  1. Work on keeping yourself calm in the face of children melting down.
  
  2. Give them latitude to be themselves, learn privacy, and make better choices (read very much like free-spirit parenting of the 60′s, including suggestions that you allow your teenage daughter to have boys in her room with the door closed, because you trust her and respect her privacy — yeah, right).
  
  3. Force children to suffer consequences for their decisions, even if it’s difficult for you, as the parent, to follow through with those consequences.

  I can’t say I would recommend this to anyone — even getting a library copy would be a stretch, as there are much better parenting books available.
  Rating: 1 / 5